If I’m sinking in laughing at something sunken in I am.

Love this song.
Oh. My. God.

It’s weird, but whatever. I’m down.

P.S- If you don’t like profanity, don’t listen to it. I’m warning you. That means you, mom.

Good Friday by Why?

if you grew up with white boys
who only look at black and puerto rican porno
cause they want something that their dad don’t got
then you know where you’re at

mortaring your earholes shut in a rush with wet coke
in a starbucks bathroom with the door closed
on booze, i’m left in residue and confused
like the first time you used soft water
down on my luck, caught unaware
like houdini when the last fist struck

if i’m sinking and laughing at something sunken in, i am

sucking dick for drink tickets
at the free bar at my cousin’s bat mitzvah
cutting the punch line and it ain’t no joke
devoid of all hope circus mirrors and pot smoke
picking fights on dyke night
with shirlies and lokes and snatching purses

doing out on karaoke and forgetting all the verses
blowing kisses to disinterested bitches
playing lead lay in a bad way on broadway
sending sexy smses to my exes new man cause i can
on the road trying to break an old van
eating pussy for new fangs, i am what the hell
using purell till my hands bleed and swell
missing mail at a motel 6, i’m unwell

if i’m sinking and laughing at something sunken in, i am

it feels exciting touching your handwriting
getting horny by reading it and repeating poor me
intently staring at the picture of your feet on the sticker
at the r. crohn’s exhibit, i wonder who’s sicker

jerking off in an art museum john till my dick hurts
the kind of shit i won’t admit to my head shrinker
not even in a whisper to my own little sister
i just act like a dick and talk shit when i’m with her

aught six i’ll say the friday before easter
was not what i cried to myself in the pisser
and with you in the front row at the silver jews show
and you act like you didn’t notice, my fear of the bear
at showbiz pizza when i saw six was overwhelming and not dissimilar to this

if i’m sinking and something sunken in, i am

at jacob han’s on tour i wake up
hung over on a hardwood floor
from a dream about how your dress
hangs off of your little breasts
i’d rather be dead than call this song
how i lost your respect but god bless or get neglected
and i’ll see you when the sun sets east, don’t forget me

Dark Passenger

Pain is the emptiness
Starvation is the symptom
I beg of new existence
That exile shall benefit me
Tell me that my efforts shall be blessed
Instead of belittled by foe

This pain is real
And I am living despite the ice
Forgiving the feeble attempt at describing the sensation
Witnessing the repercussions

Oh, what it is to live.
Oh, what it is to suffer.
It becomes me.

Almost seeming prophetic.

And in truth, I thirst for the expanse to be quenched
And how I wished it would be so simple
So simple as to grasp
Curl my bones and skin over the ladle to the well
To drink until I vomit
Expunging my darkness

To finally reach satiety
Physical nirvana

To finally be content.
_______________
However,

Today my gift is internal salvation
Today I decide that I am alive
I will accept myself as wretched
And tomorrow I will gift myself with progress

I am human
I am flawed
I am beautiful
I am capable of change

I shall be free.

Gulp.

I just made a huge decision.

@_@
Hope I don’t regret it.

Freest man.

There are always things you want to do for the people you love.
Managing to do so is the problem most of the time.
In my case, I find myself wanting to give my girlfriend things that aren’t even tangible.
Things that I myself haven’t even fully attained.

I want her to be able to see how amazing she is.

She’s smart. Even when we argue, behind being disgruntled that she has once again proven me wrong, I am secretly proud of how well she presents her case each and every time.
She’s funny, and her sense of humor knows no limits to almost all types of comedy.
She’s open minded.
She’s kind. And in her acts of generosity, I find myself most emotionally attracted to her. Every time I witness her genuinely reaching out to someone, I can’t stop myself from feeling an overwhelming sense of adoration.
She stands up for the people she cares about. And has made me realize that I need to redirect my habits of aggression towards the people who actually deserve it, instead of the people I care for.
She’s spiritual, and is willing to share her knowledge of the subject with anyone who asks.
And last, but surely not least (forgive the cliche, it’s nearly 3am) she’s absolutely gorgeous.
And when I look at her, I feel like I’m looking at someone I don’t hardly deserve to be with.
Sometimes I just want to grab people and yell at them to notice how wonderful she is, or convey it, because I’m sure they must be thinking it.
It just kills me to think that she could feel the same level of self-hate as I hold on myself.

It might seem hypocritical of me, but you always want the best for those you hold in the highest regard.

And believe me, I am working on myself every day to be the best person I can be.

Oh, and another thing.

I just want to provide her with…well, everything.
And I get frustrated with myself because I can’t.
I can’t give her all the things I’d like to.

But one day, I will be able to.
If not for her, then someone else who deserves the world.

But that’s where I am currently.
I want her life to be amazing, and I just want to do all I can for her.

I don’t even care that I would be embarrassed off my ass if she were to read this.
I don’t think she even reads this anymore. -crosses fingers- Because I don’t think I’ve ever talked this in depth about her on here. xD; I don’t usually like to gush to the general population how awesome my ladyfriend is.

But I just had to get this off my mind.

Speaking of which, I need to get everything off my mind or I’ll never get to sleep.
It’s becoming a habit.

Goodnight, internet.

I wish I had abilities far beyond what I could ever hope to attain.

if it was here that i were to ask:

speak again.

for i have not reconciled myself fully

and against that prophecy i have pulled
silence that nature provides me

my will obviously lacking

strength on its own accord
__________________________________________

Whenever I walk down the street at night these days, I imagine myself getting injured.
Or someone I love getting hurt.
Not because I want it to happen. Because I definitely don’t.
It’s just kind of interesting to think about.

–I’m kind of morbid sometimes.

It seems like the possibility untraveled, you know?
People usually daydream about getting wealthy.
Or finding love.
Or a great adventure.
Getting randomly injured is another circumstance, correct?

I feel like I’m almost stuck on it, though.
I don’t know why.
I don’t even like pain. Haha.

I mean, it’s not like I don’t think about all the other stuff equally.
I guess I just feel weird because no one else seems to share my fascination.
It’s just another part of life.
It happens.
And just like winning a million dollars. I like to think about what my reaction to something that extreme would be.

I don’t think you can ever fully understand yourself if you don’t know who you are in all aspects of life.

But I’m kind of crazy, what do I know? :]

The First Elegy.

“Perhaps there remains for us
some tree on a hillside which every day we can take
into our vision; there remains for us yesterday’s street
and the loyalty of a habit so much at ease
when it stayed with us that it moved in and never left.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke