Happy Pride, you queers.

:D It’s that time of year again.

Actually, it’s Sunday evening and technically it’s already over.

BUT.

I’ll just say this.
I love being gay.
I love it.
And even though it’s only a fraction of a fraction of who I am.
I can’t help but feel defined by it during the hours when I’m in the middle of Castro or Civic Center with hundreds of bodies pressed against me.

And a few thousand people clouding the streets.

It’s unbelievably liberating to be in the presence of so many people who have the same thing in common. Every year I feel like it brings out the best in me. I suppose it’s because I feel so at peace. Everyone loves everyone during pride. Everyone is your brother or your sister. Their pain is your pain. Their struggle is your struggle. And during these two days out of the year, it’s like we’re free.

We’re the majority.

I was actually in the position to say “Haha. Look at the random awkward straight people.”
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Yesterday one of my friends said the coolest thing ever to me.
Even though I wasn’t quite clear-minded at the time I remember it really well. xD

She came over, sat next to me, and told me “I love you, Oli. I just wanted to tell you because I’ve got a feeling you don’t hear it enough.”

I don’t know why it impacted me so much.
But it really, really did.

And I just wanted to say thank you.
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I’ve got a hard case of tough to beat
Subsequent to the need for transparency
We’re talking insanity here
Not that playground brand hypocrisy
There’s a fleeting need that leads to anxiety
Eyes filter it like it’s a lens to view the world through
And slabs of concrete are building our walls
Instead of demystifying our secret troubles
Instead of deconstructing our secrets that matter far too much to the individual

I am human, therefore I am defective.
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I know why I’m getting irritated with my writing.
It sounds like hoity-toity philosophical nonsense.
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I’m a little bit embarrassed right now.

$2

It was here I imagined I was an architect
With jagged little blueprints on some shitty yellowed paper
And I pressed my foot into the dirt
Like you might press a gun to a sentenced man
And I watched it slowly sink in
Pleased at how easily it gave
Proud that I would soon possess it

Office Plant

Perception fades to opaque
Linguistic context is paradox
There’s not much I can categorize
Feet crunching on pavement
Rocks are nutritious
There’s not much to see here
Tiles in the mausoleum
And patches of grass outside
Children laughing somewhere
Or paying homage, it’s all quite blurry now

dwntwn

theres a mushroom cloud outside with a piano inside thats reverberating into the surrounding walls and there are people in my yard without faces looking to see what might occur in the future and i am part of a team and all my players are equal and the desert silence only fuels their characteristics more when i remind them that theyre human just like i am and there are noises sometimes that i cant handle like when your car window is rolled down and the wind is hitting you in the ear with a little too much bass or a voice that’s unhappy but not just any voice it has to have meaning and sometimes i wonder why life implanted a need for likes and dislikes preferences and objections and sometimes i have to be in the right mood to even talk to people or ill be miserable and i am a thief and sometimes i just dont seem to know anymore and i revert back to a state of dependancy but when youve got nothing to depend on shit can get hard sometimes and i know some people who spend their whole lives involved in fucking who theyve fucked how theyre fucking and they talk and judge things and people simply by a superficial thing people say we need and i dont think its terribly important sometimes all thats important to me is getting out of here and taking my muse yeah you some cash and some clothes and becoming a nomad that wouldnt stay in one place long enough to get involved in peoples bullshit anymore and id stand up for me instead of just others and i would start to think that headlights and break lights were beautiful because they meant movement and they meant change and theres a mushroom cloud outside and its so foggy and i might be bleeding from the raining debris and that might just be okay because i wont mind it for long and its beautiful

Status.

I’m kicking my own butt.
I went for a 10 mile walk today.
And I’m averaging 4-5 miles a day this week.

Eat my shit stomach fat. I’m killing you.
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Dad got laid off.
He’ll be home a lot again until he finds another job.
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I’m not sure what you want with your hands cupped toward the street
Baggage is too heavy, but coins are fine
The more the merrier, in fact
You can save them, you can play with them, but eventually you’ll spend them
And they’ll be gone
Until you get new coins that’ll be used just as easily
And you won’t have to think twice, no
Because they’ll just sit there waiting to be useful
Something quiet and of value
And you don’t care about this kind of weight
It’s a weight you can get rid of
God forbid someone offer you something more than just a temporary handful.

Don’t you know the saying?
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What is up with my crappy writing?
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xD I forgot I had more than one old livejournal.
Deleted that too.

I keep finding myself all over the internet.
D: Whyyyy am I everywhere?

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This shit is hilarious. [Updated]

Truly hilarious.
I am incredibly pleased with myself.

And I wasted hours of my time on it.
Oh, summer.

I need to look for the obvious first, instead of last.
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I finally went back and deleted my old livejournal.
Someone I used to know said they went back and read it.
No one needs to see that stuff, not even me. That shit’s depressing.
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Why do I always say hurtful things that I don’t mean?
Even to the people I actually care about. Yeugh. I’m definitely going to snuff that shit out.

I’m avoiding you, yellow.

Nobody cares if I cheat, right?
Right.
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Green

This is the altitude I’ve been looking for
Up here, legend has it this is where dragons fly
And stretching my arms to tendrils of pixie dust
I finally feel at home
Feel the spark I lost that night I spent dreaming in the forest

Up here, the sky shines green
Replicating the vast plains that protrude proudly beneath the fleeting heavens.

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And I’m SUPER excited.
I know exactly what I’m doing for blue.
I have so much stuff for it.
ksfjghfkdjghfklgj.

And purple has been mostly finished for months.
Just like this post has been finished for months.
And has been sitting in my drafts. Why? Iunno.

I’m looking back on this one now, and it’s really fucking fluffy. o_O I must have been happy or something.
I kind of want to rewrite it.

 

 

Meh. Too much effort.

I got my head, but my head is unraveling.

I like how in my last post I said exist was an…adjective?

Thanks for correcting my 4am brain, guys.
Sheesh.

Know what else is cool?
When your insides liquify.
Chyeah.

I haven’t like. Really moved all day.
Except into the car.
But that doesn’t count.

I’ve been in a weird haze all afternoon.
I asked my mom if I could have a hammock to hover in.
Super idea.
Hover hammock.
What the fuck.

And I unblocked parts of my photobucket for kicks today.
Just the Natalie Dee album, actually.

I did check one thing off my “Summer to-do list” though.
Three more to go.
Four more?
Yeah. So today wasn’t completely a waste.

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Put a drill to the temple of my head
Inside you’ll find the tiers of information I’ve got stored away
The Do’s and Don’ts that structure my actions
The plots that carry the burden of an active imagination
Grasses and roots serving as maze exits to showcase each stage
This is my childhood, it made me insecure
This is my pain, it made me cautious
These are my fears, they keep me moving.

Forward.
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Mmmm. Mediocre AWP.
Hell yeah.

Experience

Some days I even anticipate sitting down.

Wondering if – by chance.
Today.
I will simply just fall through.

And into some miraculous void filled with other mysterious people who have been praying for the same thing.

Swirling around.
Trying to satisfy the one solid thing in our surroundings.
The verb exist.