Grandfather Clock

I blame four in the morning for the quality of this. D:
Still no on-call editor.

______________________________________________
Grandfather clock.

Springs and wires coiled tight.
Images of sun and moon.
I reach my hand out to touch your face
As the clock reads five thirty.

A standard time caught in limbo between light and dark
Nothing out of the ordinary.

Your hour hand beckons me forward
The minute hand slinks away
Pendulum betraying your motives as it swings out of time.

The daily task of balancing your weights comes around
And as I sew you back up, my hand mists on your surface
Then fades away almost instantly

Leaving me to wonder if I ever left a mark at all.

Bunker (Another incomplete, but more recent.)

I signed my resilience on the dotted line
Young and foolish in this story of creation

You told me with stern eyes what I’d signed up for.
The Unknown
By tomorrow it’ll be law.

Grim passerby’s wander aimlessly into broken images of sun-up
And I wonder how it all got like this
Eyes widening as an old man fills his syringe for the fourth time
Fifth time
Twelfth time

It’s becoming a haze.

Challengers are becoming a rare race.
Oddly silenced by fear.
Fearing for a world of complacency.
Fake gratitude.
Ingenuine smiles.
Handshakes lacking soul.

People made of cheap plaster and wires.

Earth’s inhabitants silenced by parasitic paranoia
Lulled to sleep with distorted tales of history
Powering down from their own selfish pity and desires

What happened to the days of being happy just because?
Finding joy under the stars.
No television.
No propaganda.

Here’s what I say.

Onlookers,
You can find the remainder in old taverns.
Sipping drink from wooden mugs.
Relishing the feeling of being in a time before memories.
A time before peril.
Gaining happiness from small gusts of sweet air.
And smiling at the simplicity of being in the company of like-minded people.
Real people.
Who harbor real dreams, real fears, and real desires.
Changing with experience instead of whim.

This place was never truly destroyed.

Only forgotten under centuries of dust and half-truths.

Hey, remember that time?

Off topic.

Fuck, I love threadless. Damn you for having an amazing shirt that I can’t afford to buy right now.
Dude’s small still not sold out. Crossing my fingers for it to stay that way.

I always wonder if people ever even see the hyperlinks I stick in my text. xD

Anyway.

The title is referring to Regina Spektor’s song “That Time”.
Loooooove Regina Spektor right now.

The song is so totally cute.
And it just made me want to do a knock off version of it.
I think I will.
I think this is just a heads up.

I’m not really going to write anything of consequence tonight.
Because I’m writing…something. Somewhere…else?
My girlfriend, her cousin, and I came up with a bomb idea at dinner tonight.
So.

Oh, one last side-dish.
I think I mentioned aggggessss ago that I make song associations with people a lot?
My friend Sam just told me she’s got me song associated with Imogen Heap’s “Hide and Seek”.
I think that’s kind of cool.
Kind of depressing, but whatever. xD

House Call.

I need an editor on call.

When I write at one in the morning (now) I can’t tell if I think shit’s decent because I’m delusional/too relaxed.

I never get negative feedback.
Someone should let me know when something sucks more than something else– if you don’t want to outright be like “Boo, you whore.” [/bad movie reference]

BUT YOU COULD.

Internet.
I know you want to.

But for now, I’ll just blindly make a post that may or may not be crap.

Edit: Yeah, I’m definitely maybe going to edit this.
I like the title too much for how this awp feels.
______________________________________

Pomegranate

Hands tucked in, meat side out
Tiny little buds waiting for exposure
Tiny little hearts waiting to explode

Countdown.

Each one louder than the last.
Miniature earthquakes
Each anticipating release by your hands

I can’t take it.
I just can’t.

Foundation is shaking
Tremors roll over one another
Tripping on themselves
Constant tidal waves of destruction

Deaf to the noise
Hypersensitive to touch
To sight.
To scent.

These pods are meant for obliteration
A release of a whole different kind.
I’m on meltdown.
This house is overheating.

We can’t breathe.
We can’t fucking breathe.

Like Larry King.

Yeah, it’s reallyreally old.

I found this when I was cleaning out some other incomplete things.
This was the most complete.

Figured I’d post it for kicks.
____________________________________

I wish I’d hear you whispering.
Late at night
Maybe early in the morning
Wish I’d feel your breath on my shoulder

Wish you’d tell me silly things
Like what kind of jellyfish stung the hardest
That you thought grizzly bears were scary
Chocolate chips were your favorite snack
And you loved my laugh

Wish we’d talk politics
Wish you told me which current event made you the maddest
Wish we’d talk religion
Talk about the earth and spirits
What you thought was true, what you thought was bullshit

Wish we’d laugh about our mothers
And the silly things they did when we were kids

The silly things we did when we were kids.
And spend the next week recreating them.

I wish you’d give me books to read
I’d like to find words underlined
Phrases highlighted, and things in the margin
I’d like to know what you thought was funny.
Smart.
Curious.
Stupid.
Strange.
Exciting.
Boring.
Anything.

This gets its own post.

SHE LIVES.

OSDJLGHLKDJGHLKDJHGLKJDGH

My favorite artist is updating again.
FUCKYES.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Yes.

FUCK.
OH MY GOD.

XD OH MY GOD.

I’m so happy.
Holy shit.
Hoooooly shit.

And I’m getting art from her.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And it’s not costing me a dime.
I have such skills. I should write a book.

I could like.
I don’t even know.
Piss on myself.

[/fangirl]

Just in advance. Shut up Ty.
xD And P.S- It’s totally going to work out.

Ten minutes of uncensored thoughts.

Another experiment.
_________________

I’m wearing shorts so big that I could easily fit another person in with me.
_______________________________________________

Shawty get loose.
Baby do what you do.
_______________________________________________

This keyboard is filthy.
_______________________________________________

My hair is growing wings again.
But I’m letting it go.
_______________________________________________

I wanna dance.
_______________________________________________

I think I might like it better when she wears this.
That’s weird.
_______________________________________________

I was so comfortable. And it was Wednesday.
That dude was pretty cool though.
_______________________________________________

My nose hurts so bad.
And people started pointing out that I’m twitching it.
_______________________________________________

I’m so amazing. She’s going to love it.
I just hope it works out.
_______________________________________________

And if you were suspicious.
All that shit’s fictitious.
_______________________________________________

I can always tell when people are smiling on the phone.
If other people can tell when I am, I’m glad they don’t point it out.
I’ve got a feeling I’d be embarrassed a lot.
_______________________________________________

To the T to the A to the S-T-E-Y, girl you tasty.

Fuck, though. Seriously.
Like my self control isn’t already jeopardized.
_______________________________________________

The hourglass spills its silence
And here it is midnight

And I’m feeding these planetary orbs to hungry puppet eyes
Their misshapen cotton hands pawing
Evolution only a common misconception

Examine

I settle my footfalls on a dusty path
My ankles accumulating a similar stress as my neck
And I ask myself,
What’s this weight worth?

My glance casts sideways,
I notice how filthy these streets have become.

Eyes settle on a whore.

Her hair is a mess
Her breasts rusting with perspiration
Fishnets ripped along her thighs
Smudges of filth on her face

I laugh silently when I think–

She is beautiful, and like her customer
I want to fuck her.

_______________________________________________

End.

That’s so weird. xD
And it’s funny. Because I still censored it to some extent.
Christ, my thoughts are explicit.

And I was really hoping no awp buds would appear.
Alas, I really am a writer.

Consequence Of Sounds.

Sometimes I get really depressed at night.
I’m not sure why.

[That's a lie, yes I do.]

It could just be the culmination of a stress filled day.
It could be the fact that people sometimes just naturally get sad when it’s dark.
Kind of like some form of conditioning.
Or chemical change that happens at night.
I don’t really know.

[Yes I dooooo~]

I used to have the habit of talking to someone on the phone every night before I went to bed.
A mutual dependancy.
Usually they would have some kind of issue, and I would solve it.

Now I don’t ask for this kind of assistance.
And that’s what it was, really.
It was a really nice vice.

When I was thirteen to about sixteen, I used it nearly every day.
My friends would call me, or I’d call them.
And when we were finished talking about whatever we needed to, we would kind of just pass into a comfortable silence.
And sit on the phone in near complete silence.
Just for the comfort of knowing someone was there.

Just a simple human connection.
It was the biggest favor someone could do for me at that point in time.
I was so hideously alone.

Emotionally at least.
Or at least that’s how my distorted self perception remembers those years to be.

Anyway.
For the last few days, I’ve been getting super sad at night.
And I’ve been calling those old friends to just ease it a little bit.
People I know who will just shut up and listen to me cry for no reason at all.

And tell me they love me, even if I don’t believe they really mean it.

I rarely believe people when they say they love me.
People say it compulsively too much. As a space filler.

I only ever say it if I mean it.
And you’ll know I mean it.
And the cool thing about that is, if I do say it? It’s pretty unconditional.
Granted, I’ve been in a few situations where I wish I wasn’t so loyal.

But when people genuinely appreciate it, it’s one of the best feelings ever.

And–
As a side note.
If you’re looking at my recently played songs over there ————>
That’s the reason why I’ve got so many crap upbeat songs.
They sorta make me feel better.

So many silly things make me feel better.
Like bad pet names. xD;

And, there’s a few other factors that could be contributing to my mood.
My dad has been in and out of the hospital lately.
And he goes back in for surgery again tomorrow.
My mom is out of town, and I usually talk to her a couple of times a week.
And all that bullshit with my bank account. Which in turn is making me question friend loyalty. Which is never comforting.

[Told you. I know.]

Also, I can tell my girlfriend is getting stressed out again.
And when I notice that happens, I usually try to do something cute for her.
I should get on that.

And as a closer. I kind of just remembered something interesting she pointed out a while ago when we were talking.

I get these feelings of inadequacy when I can’t fix things around me. Or when I can’t help people.
She said, “You’re letting down imaginary people.”
I’ve never had someone tell me I was letting them down. It makes a whole lot of sense. I need to work towards really accepting that, it would reduce a lot of stress.

:] Isn’t she smart? <3

Recent dream.

It’s kind of fuzzy now, but I had this dream a few days ago.
I think I’ve managed to piece together the feeling of it enough of it to write out.

The progression is odd. Yes. I know.
_________________________________

You showed up at my doorstep with your head down, and your feet together.
One look at you told me that Attention said you’ve had it.
You’ve run out of energy.
Suffering the familiar pangs of bodysuffocation.
Your parched mouth spread thin on your face.
Your empty stare told me you’d been praying for a story.

So I told you a story.

Sitting under a windtunnel in a field, you once whispered to me that you liked it better.
Looking up.
“It’s safe up there, what with the clouds and all. The pressure might be high, but it’s lightweight compared to down here.”

I laughed.
Your face looked so serious.

“Well, when you grow tired from your contact high with vertigo, Iv’e got you.”
It wasn’t a lie.
The situation was a joke, but that didn’t matter.
I nodded, adding validity to my statement.
Playing around in half sincerity, half joke.

And that’s when you turned your face to me.

Head tilted, eyes creased at the corners from silent amusement.
“I feel too far from my own head already.” You stated bluntly.

And in that simple moment, I realized again how beautiful you were.
So serious, but so desperately seeking humor.

You needed balance.

Then you looked back at the grass, proud of your own ambiguity.
Shuffling your fingers through the tall green blades
Giggling softly like a child at the feeling.

And it took all the self control in me to not disrupt you and ruin the moment.

Sometimes I think I overanalyze you, to be honest.

And it’s a strange sensation, just so you know, being happy simply by being in the presence of someone else.

Just sitting next to you makes me feel better.

And then I reminded you of the time when you found a patch of loose grass.
And stuck it on my head.
Proclaiming it made a fine toupee.

I could have kissed you for being so oddly perfect.

“You’re so strange for thinking that’s funny.” You told me.

And I laughed, like I usually do.
Inwardly.
So completely fascinated by how unintentionally amusing you are.

Oh, Tom. [PS- HAPPY EARTH DAY]

These are phone conversation excerpts. xD

Me: I haven’t talked to you in about nine million years.
Tom: We’re such old Dinosaurs.

__________________________________________

Tom: My girlfriend has huge boobs.
Me: I love boobs. Second to ass. Nothing really beats my girlfriend’s ass.
Tom: If I could be reincarnated as something, I’d be reborn as one giant boob.
Me: What the fuck? How would you eat?
Tom: Photosynthesis.
Me: That’s gross.
Tom: Stick me in water and put me outside!
Me: You’re sick.
Tom: I’d be the first boob ever birthed!

…

Yeah, that is really gross.
Me: -Five minutes of hysterical laughter-

________________________________________

And, apparently he’s determined to figure out something for me to cosplay as.
If he figures something out, which I bet him he wont, I have to wear whatever he makes for me.

xD That was a really bad bet to make with someone who makes costumes for a living.

Shh. Maybe I just want something for free.
>.>
<.<

Shit, I miss him.

What a cool motherfucker.